KUOMagazine.com “Life’s Renewal”

What Do You Do When Your Past HOLDS You Hostage?

Article Published February/March 2015 issue of KUOMagazine.com

Written by Alison De Souza, KUOMagazine contributing writer & Life Coach

Well what do you do??? Isn’t that the million dollar/pound/euro question? First things first let’s not confuse insecurity with fear, although very similar in meaning as the definitions below show;

FEAR – a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. Synonyms: foreboding, apprehension, consternation, dismay, dread, terror, fright, panic, horror, trepidation, qualm. Antonyms: courage, security, calm, intrepidity.

INSECURE - subject to fears, doubts, etc.; not self-confident or assured: an insecure person I remember a few years ago (OK, so it was 15 years ago to be exact) being in a job where I was constantly berated and belittled, I was a Marketing Assistant and worked for two guys that although were quite generous with gifts when they travelled, they were always angry and hostile in the office. I remember the look of pity on the faces of the other girls’ and the other Marketing Managers (who were all women) who would all console me.  At the time it felt as though nothing I did was good enough and the three, there, there’s never mind, poor thing from my colleagues added to the humiliation.  The PA to the MD spoke up for me and told him, he called me into his office asked me what had been going on, I told him everything warts and all.  He sent me home and told me he would look into it. When he called to tell me that there was no need for me to return to work, well that told me what I was worth to them, a big fat NOTHING. And so the pattern continued for many, many years and yes I believed it when they told me that I deserved to be spoken to like that.  Now, here’s the thing, at no time did they ever in so many words tell me I deserved to be spoken to like I was beneath them. But the fear of losing my job and not being able to pay my bills made me “allow” them to speak to me like that.  So in fact I was telling them that, that is how I deserved to be treated and spoken to. My way of dealing with it was to not tell a soul, look what happened the last time a person spoke up for me, I was let go. So I would look for another job, get another job and then be sworn at, shouted at and belittled.  I started to believe the problem was with me and that I just couldn’t do the job right.  So every job that I got I would go to work filled with FEAR.  And because of that fear I would be nervous and anxious when I was at work, and would spend any vacation time worried that my work never measured up and that I just wasn’t competent.

One of the worse instances was I had an employer who would like to openly swear and shout at me in front of everyone in the office, and I would stay silent. One day my boss decided that I had to update him every day on what I was working on. During this time, one particular day he took me out for a coffee (I HATE COFFEE) and calmly said to me “I know you’ve had bereavements and I know your mother is sick, but it’s not my f@*#ing problem is it”, oh yeah, did I forget to mention that my mother had just an operation on both her feet and three days later my uncle died suddenly while he was at home, so it had been a bit of an emotional four days and then this conversation. Well yet again I said nothing as he continued to tell me that he feels as though I am not on top of things (even though in my performance review he told me I was an asset to the company). Then he goes on to tell me he would like for me to take on more responsibility by taking on the project of overseeing the build-out and opening of a new branch.  Needless to say that I put my resume up on several job boards the very same day!!!  When I handed in my resignation, he got so mad and asked me what had brought this on and asked me to stay, several times and if I was sure I wanted to leave!  SERIOUSLY!!!

But then it hit me, I wasn’t incompetent, I didn’t deserve to be spoken to like that, I was afraid. I was afraid that if I spoke up I would be seen as an aggressive black woman, because you know we are not assertive when we speak up for ourselves, we’re aggressive and it would go against me when it came time for promotions, etc..  I had believed the treatment I had received in the past and let it dictate how I would be treated in the future. I let this happen to me because I was afraid. I had let my past experiences hold me hostage to accept any treatment that was dished out to me. The weird thing about this is that in all other areas of my life no one would DARE even let the thought cross their minds to speak to me like this. I was known to jump in a person’s throat faster that they could blink if they even attempted to disrespect me in such a way. So what was the difference? As by nature I am not an insecure person, but I have to admit to being gripped by fear.  I needed to work on me and how I could turn this around as I couldn’t continue going through my working life like this. 

I needed fixing and it had to start with ME. I had to believe that I could do the job I was employed to do and I could do it well, I had God given ability and talent. I got another job and all was going well, I had three bosses, one was the nicest, nurturing and patient boss you could have. He would take time to explain things he was working on even if it wasn’t directly relevant to what I was working on.  He would answer questions and genuinely cared about his staff and their well-being. One I barely saw and the other, well, all I can say is he was the type of person that if you made a mistake, he wouldn’t tell you directly, he would wait until we were in meetings and mention it.  An example, I circulated an agenda for a management meeting two days prior to the meeting.  I had misspelt a person’s name and rather than tell me, he came into the meeting pronouncing the person’s name the way it was misspelt, thereby alerting everyone else in the meeting to the error.

He would nit-pick and criticize any work that I would send him.  Even though he was not the only person to get the work, he would be the only person the literally tear it apart.  In my mind it was here we go again, I felt like Sisyphus from Greek mythology pushing the same boulder up the hill, it rolling down and starting all over again being destined to repeat it my entire working life. He was so bad that other colleagues had report him to HR.  He went as far as bringing a disciplinary hearing against another person, but it all got thrown out.  He was that bad. The relief in my mind was “at least it’s not just me”. The truth was that regardless of whether it was a case of him just being a mean spirited person, I still had to confront what it did to me, I couldn’t hide behind “oh well, that is just how he is”.

I learnt the old adage “there is more than one way to skin a cat” to be true, I approached my boss in a very calm manner and I apologized to him.  Wait now, before you start shouting at your screen. I started by apologizing to him as I wanted to let him know that the way I had responded to his behavior wasn’t right and I should not have let it affect me in the way I had, as it affected the communication between us making our working together harder than it needed to be. The truth was I used to call the walk to his office The Green Mile. He then in turn apologized to me and explained why he behaved the way he did towards me. We were able to discuss a better way of working together moving forward.  I was not seen as the aggressive angry black woman, but a peacemaker that was able to calmly and rationally discuss a problem and work on a forward thinking resolution.

The truth is, and believe me, I really wanted to tell him about himself in the worst possible way leaving nothing out, now that really would have been the end of that job, lol.  But then, why give the smug so and so the satisfaction. I was so nervous about having the conversation with him, I agonized over what I was going to say, if it would jeopardize my job or, make me look confrontational.  A million things went through my mind. I had that horrible gut churning, nail biting (and I don’t bite my nails) couldn’t focus feeling.  But I knew that in order to exorcise the spirit of fear that gripped me I needed to make the first step. And that first step was to have an open discussion with the person I believed was instilling the fear within me, in other words I faced that fear full head on.  It was the first step on the road to getting past that particular fear. The next step was to calmly and without emotion decide on the best approach to take and as it was a conversation that needed to be had, I needed to detail what I was going to say and be sure it was calm and rational.

The third step was to think of the outcome you would like before even facing the fear, that way you know what result you are working towards.  This allows you to show that you have thought about what you are doing and saying and want to work towards improving, your environment and relationships. The fourth step is to be consistent, follow up regularly and work towards maintaining the new found peace.  This shows that you mean business, you are serious about making the change and shows you to be confident.  And from his you will find you are treated with a new found respect

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not all the way there yet, but I have to remind myself that no one is perfect we all make mistakes.  Remember it’s not always the mistake you make but how you work to get past it and how you fix it, but most importantly learn from it, and that no one has the right to make you feel as though you are not good enough. As the saying goes “I’m not where I want to be, but thank God, I’m not where I used to be”, but I know that with God’s help, a lot of patience with myself and a LOT of prayer I will get there.

I have learnt through all of this to NEVER allow anyone to disrespect me in such a way, regardless of who they are. I have learnt that I deserve to be spoken to and treated with respect. I have learnt that people will only do what I allow them to get away with. So what are you allowing to happen to you?

By Alison De Souza, KUOMagazine contributing writer & Life Coach

Email: alisonjdesouza@gmail.com

Twitter: www.twitter.com/AllieDesouza

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