KUOMagazine.com “Life’s Renewal
Are you sick and tired of being sick and
tired?
Article Published November/December 2014 issue of KUOMagazine.com
Written
by Alison De Souza, KUOMagazine contributing
writer
You see, I know exactly what it's like to feel that way, at
one time in my life I was at the opposite end of the spectrum. I woke up to the
same boring routine day and day out, every day was the same thing. I've been
broke and broken, been abused, felt abandoned by family and friends and
completely depressed, disillusioned and frustrated with the state (yes state)
of my life, my relationships, my friendships and my career for many, many
years. I was making $12 an hour, I worked a job, but after paying bills
I was broke all over again so I got a second job and was still broke! I felt as
though my life had no purpose, no meaning and that I was aimlessly just ambling
through life. My relationships had no substance, more based on being
intimate and physical than love and trust, they were unfulfilling and
unsatisfying and left me feeling even more lonely and disappointed than ever.
Much of that disappointment was with myself. To be brutally honest, my
life was a mess and I wasn’t happy with my journey in life so far. I had
lost my spark, I was just going through the motions of ‘living’.
Have you ever stopped to wonder “what am I doing?”
Have you ever stopped to wonder “is my life progressive?” Have you ever stopped
to wonder “where my next meal is coming from?” Have you ever stopped to
wonder “where the money to pay my bills will come from?” Have you ever
stopped to wonder “is my relationship healthy, do they love me enough to support
me no matter what?” Have you ever stopped to wonder “why do I give so much and
get so little in return?”
Well I have asked myself ALL of those questions at one point in
my life and didn’t like the answers that I came up with. I ‘tried’, or so I thought,
everything I knew to change my life and experience more love and happiness.
I got sick and tired of feeling like the Smokey Robinson song
‘Tracks of my Tears’. Tired of trying to hide from everyone and lying to
myself about the pain, the hurt, the loneliness, the anger, the disappointments
and the abuse, all the things that come as the result of bad decisions that I
had made, bad relationships I had gotten involved in, not investing wisely in
my career choices, life and just disappointments that I seemed to always carry
with me like an invisible backpack. I remember sitting at home one day checking my emails, I don’t
recall where the email came from, but it was for the book The Secret. I
bought the book, the audio book and the DVD, I completely immersed myself in it
in the hope that all I would need to do is think positively. I've tried
affirmations, I prayed and I tried to still my mind by meditating. I went out
and bought even more books on the law of attraction, positive thinking and various
self-help books.
I was willing to try almost anything, I wanted, no I NEEDED a
better life. I saw other people happy, successful and enjoying their life and I
wanted that, I wanted to be happy, I wanted to be successful like they were. I
wanted to shop and buy nice things without worrying about it or trying to
justify spending money on a luxury rather than paying a bill. I remember
a few birthdays ago my mother sent me money as a gift, her instructions were
“spend the money on yourself and don’t use it to pay any bills”. That is
just how much I was living from hand to mouth.
I wanted to be in a loving relationship with someone who truly
loved ME, who respects ME. I knew it was all possible as I had seen
others do it. I just didn’t know what their secret to success was, but I
still didn’t feel as though I was making much progress. You see I didn’t
realize that I would actually have to DO something. But things didn't
work out the way I had hoped at first. First, some of the things I tried were
so confusing while other methods were so out there. Telling you that all
you need to do is think positive thoughts and your life will change. OK,
that’s nice but…that didn't work! Seems like the more
things I tried, the more confused I became about which tools to use to improve
my life. Not only was I broke, I was in debt, in a ‘sort of’ relationship.
Things just progressively got worse and worse.
Many people don't know this but... I actually tried to take my
own life. I had a bottle of 500 painkillers and decided I had, had
enough. I just wanted the pain to end. It's amazing that at what
seems to be the lowest point of your life, the fighter in you shows up and
takes over. After that incident I knew I had to do something different. I
just didn’t know what. I knew I needed something that would really change
the direction of the life and existence that I was experiencing. I was so
low, but knew I had to keep going because there had to be something that would
help change my life.
I decided right then that I was going to take charge and
responsibility of my life. I wasn't going to live my life full of
regrets, full of bitterness, broke and unfulfilled like some people I
knew. I ended my ‘sort of’ relationship, I left my job packed up all my
worldly goods and went to stay with my mum in Florida. I took a few
months out to get myself together. I know this is not an option for most people, it is just a part
of the process that I went through. I knew I needed to take action, I
couldn’t just think up a better life I had to work at making a better life
happen. I had to take a good, long hard look at myself. I had to actually
face myself. I had to be very open and honest with ME. I had
to learn how to love me, I had to learn to forgive ME and in doing so I had to
LET GO of the things that were blocking me and holding me back. Things
like unforgiveness, anger and bitterness. Things I didn't really know
until I took the time to go through a specific, detailed and hard, but oh so
achievable process. And now, the process I used has helped hundreds of people live a
better life. Are you ready to start live the life of your dreams? I am here
to help you, but ultimately the choice is yours.
Written by Alison De Souza, KUOMagazine Contributing Writer & Life Coach
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