KUOMagazine.com “Life’s Renewal”
Behind the Mask - The Me Hidden From All To
See
Article Published December/January 2014 issue of KUOMagazine.com
Written
by Alison De Souza, KUOMagazine contributing
writer
What
happens when you have a second, third or even fourth you? What happens when you KNOW that you have
different sides to you that you have NEVER let anyone else see? You hide your
spirituality, you hide your culture, and in general you hide your true
personality, your true self. This
is usually as a result of fear, lack of confidence or insecurity and in extreme
cases all of the above. A fear of what other people may think of your beliefs
or the culture you were born into. This
makes you feel insecure or lack confidence in yourself and the need to passively
please other people at your expense. The
problem with this is that it leads to you never being truly happy, it leads to
you being nervous or anxious when certain topics of conversation are brought up. You may also be seen as shy or quiet, when all
along you are just trying to blend into the background so that you do not draw
attention to yourself in the hope that no one will ask you a question about YOU
or what you think.
It
may stem from an early age in your life when you expressed an opinion and where
cruelly either made fun of or made to feel as though your belief, culture or
opinion was weird, or odd or not the norm.
With this you learnt to not speak up or to second guess and question yourself. I
spoke to a friend who told me that as a child they were always told to be quiet
whenever they asked a question. So guess
what happened to them? They learnt to not speak, this lead to years of passive
aggressive behavior, years of not being able to make or keep friends. Simply put years of being frustrated, bitter
and angry. Until they made a friend who
noticed this and was patient enough to help guide them through the process of
dropping the mask and breaking free.
This
feeling of having to hide your inner self often leads to isolation, pain and loneliness
and you not only hide your inner self but begin to physically hide. You hide by making excuses as to why you
can’t go out when invited. You hide by
not answering the phone when it rings, if you speak with no one you will not
say the ‘wrong’ thing. You hide by
avoiding ‘difficult’ conversations that you believe may lead to you having to
express an opinion. It leads to you
almost being a ‘nodding Nancy’ just nodding and smiling when in a group setting. It is almost used as a defense mechanism because
it people do not know you, they can’t hurt you. So your mask is your defense. Have
you ever stopped to access yourself physically without criticism? How is your posture when you walk or when you
sit? So you slouch or walk/sit tall? These are indicators to what you think about
yourself. Are your trying to be
inconspicuous or are you staring the world in the eye ready to take on any
challenge? If you are that person hiding
behind the mask you have learnt to not be present in the moment, and in doing
so you all of your thoughts are focused on you and your inner turmoil, being
totally aware of your presence.
How
do we overcome hiding behind these masks?
The
first step in overcoming this to take some time to self-reflect and go back in
your life. Go back as far as you need to
and look at why you believe what you believe or what you believe may have
occurred in your life that for all intends and purposes ‘shut you up’! Once you have been able to do this the next
step is to practice, practice, and practice! Start
by looking at yourself in the mirror with a smile on your face, shoulders back
and head held high. Tell yourself how
wonderful you are, how talented you are, how beautiful you, tell yourself you
are going to have a wonderful day and any other positive things you can think
of. I know this sounds really cheesy but
it works, it really does. Try it and
see, you may feel silly at first but you will get past that. It helps in giving you that first boost of
confidence to be able to express your true self honestly without feeling as
though you have to stop and be careful of everything you say. Through
a much deeper awareness of who you are, of your actions and your thoughts about
yourself you can successfully retrain the way you think about yourself. This helps in the process of being able to
come from behind the mask and brings with it a feeling of absolutely peace and
lightness.
I’m
not one of these coaches that will let you know ‘you can do it, you just have
to change your thoughts’ and poof you are changed, or by speaking to yourself
in the mirror you will automatically have overcome. This takes work, real work and is not for the
faint hearted. It is for people who
truly want to live a more fulfilled life being able to communicate and
socialize without fear or insecurity. With
it comes a new awareness as to why you feel the way you do about yourself and
how you communicate. It will also help
you to know why you behave in a certain way when the spotlight is on you. It will help you develop the power of your
voice, your posture and body language and their ability to deliver a clear and
concise message with confidence and enthusiasm. Once you get comfortable with who you
are this will go a long way to determine who you are capable of being, this new
you should be the same person to show up in all life situations, as opposed to the
person you were that felt they had to wear a different mask depending on the
situation or environment. The goal is
for you to be genuine, true, real and consistent.
I
truly do believe, together with years of experience, that everyone who wants to
make a change in their lives either for the good or bad can do it. This is
achieved by coaching, by surrounding yourself with people who are supportive,
encouraging and who want you to succeed and who will help you get there. People
that make you feel safe, secure, trusting, Many people cannot do this by themselves and
this is where coaching comes in. Coaching
can also help you achieve this it includes an understanding of a person their
history and current situation. The above teamed with your desire to succeed,
makes it completely possible for you to go from behind the mask to having no
mask. It will take you from being scared,
nervous and timid to truly amazing and powerful.
By Alison De Souza, KUOMagazine contributing writer & Life Coach
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